Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2011 0911.mpg

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Episode Description:

Well received in Northern New England for over 33 years, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show that has delighted young and old alike every week since April 6, 1978 for radio --- and now for television.

Music by: Clark Terry, Denny Breau, Coleman Hawkins, Fletcher Henderson, Frank Sinatra, Hoagy Carmichael, and Scott Hamilton

This show contains 6.12 minutes of guitarist Denny Breau live on stage on Monhegan, 3 minutes of humble live on stage at the Common Ground Fair and 1.22 minutes of Dr. Dick’s dancing puppets.

Much of the video over the music shows 14-year-old Philip hauling home and taking the motor out of the 1926 Model T Ford humble gave him. Tame fare, indeed, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with a clip of the dentist dummy at the Florida Flywheeler’s show at Fort Meade, Florida and ends, as usual, with the Keystone Cops driving a car off the end of a dock.

Here's the approximate humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of September 11, 2011.
1. It can be statistically proven that people come in three sizes: large, average and small. Because most of the women used in television commercials are no more than skin stretched on very small bones, the American woman has been conditioned to place herself in the large category. You can't look at a television commercial without realizing that someone is trying to make women dissatisfied with the way they look, smell or feel. This is why even the most sensible woman might be tempted to lose weight --- to diet. Have you ever lived with a person who eats nothing but salad? After a week you beg them to wolf brownies or at least put enough chocolate sauce on their lettuce to make them sociable. A St. George man tells me that his wife dieted faithfully for three weeks without losing a pound. She got so cranky that he started avoiding her --- he even fell asleep drinking his nightly hot chocolate in front of the TV and stayed on the couch all night. And night after night, his wife lost weight. It was two or three weeks before a doctor figured out why. The television ads for weight loss had made her so sensitive to calories that she'd been gaining half a pound every night just by smelling the hot chocolate on his breath. +
2. My house is over 200 years old. Most of the cellar floor was concrete when I bought it and up until recently there was still a tiny bit of dirt floor down there. When I put in my solar hot water heaters I dug out that dirt and put some little plastic pipe down and poured cement on top of that. Turning two or three valves enables me to run sun-warmed anti-freeze into my cellar floor even on the coldest winter days. The other day I visited a house that was under construction. When I asked one of the men on the job if it had pipes in the floor that would distribute solar heat, he said they couldn’t do it because there wasn’t enough money in the budget. You know, you can put those pipes in the concrete floor and not even hook them up. Because there is a good chance that there will come a day when the owner of that house who wants to save money will wish you had. After the cement floor has been poured, it’s somewhat difficult to add those little plastic pipes. Have you been able to figure out why very few people are running TV ads encouraging you to heat your house with solar energy? --- Energy from the sun is free. Nobody’s going to make any money off you when you do it.
3. Someone wrote about “products made of wood chips that we used in our own renovation” Years ago I made the mistake of using “products made of wood chips” --- because it’s cheaper than plywood --- and ended up tearing it out a few years later because of the smell. For years I though the room smelled because my wife’s father needed to take a shower. But when he died the smell was still there and I discovered the smell came from a product made of glued together wood chips. Since then I’ve warned people about “products made of glued together wood chips” and am distressed when I see contractors using it.
4. Do kids know how to have fun nowadays? My home town has certainly changed since I was a kid so you know for sure that what kids do must have also changed. Wilder Oakes says, “I was also thinking today of the time I took one of my high school girlfriends to the town dump for a date, and we shot rats with a .22 pistol. “Too bad you can't rat hunt anymore these days it was great for the reflexes.”
5. For many years you have been aware that there are folks in a certain segment of society that get too drunk to notice the family Rottweiler munching away on grandma or the mailman. These patriotic Americans often smoke cigarettes and throw litter on the highway. They hate seatbelts, taxes, anyone with an education and the only government they’ve ever seen. They sleep with a loaded pistol under the pillow and will tell you that blowing up mud huts on the other side of the world is the only thing that is keeping Americans free. Their panacea for anything they perceive to be criminal activity is castration or hanging. When presented with facts, they dig in their heels and cling even more obstinately to the most blatant falsehoods or mythology. Because they might not understand the attendant ramifications in even elementary social or political issues, instead of presenting a comprehensive alternative, they call others “stupid.” Talk radio has conditioned them to believe that when a Rottweiler chews up a child, it is the fault of the “liberal weasels.” Unfortunately, on election day too many of them stay sober enough to get downtown vote.
6. I know of one young guy and two guys in their 80s who were far from stupid who got killed messing with their tractors. I've driven a tractor for 37 years and know that you can get hurt if you break the routine. I’ve come close to getting killed or seriously hurt a couple of times, but so far have been just plain lucky. For example, once a log came up through the steel floor pad. It could have taken off my leg. Another time a chain on top of the running bush hog fell down into the hole that is there so you can reach in and remove the cutter bolts. I was standing on the bush hog when the chain was grabbed by the turning blades and disappeared into the hole. I mention this with the hope that it might save you or another friend some grief. Even when you’re young, it can bite you if you put off supper to get in that last hour that will finish a job. Don’t run a tractor after 5. I used to routinely crawl under the elevated bush hog to effect repairs when out on a job. No more. Nowadays I don’t count on the hydraulics to hold the thing up while I’m under it, but also put a jack under it. Tractors are like the dogs or ATVs or kayaks or snowmobiles that we read about on these pages daily in that they have the ability to mutilate and maim. Being a very superstitious old man, because I’ve just told you about this, I’m going to be doubly careful the next time I mow the pasture. As Robert Frost would say, you be careful, too.
7. A man in the town of Union, Maine who studies soap operas claims that they do not portray real life.
For example, last winter he says he was standing by a big picture window overlooking his front lawn. His arms were around his wife and he was about to kiss her. Snow was falling gently outside. Little birds hopped happily about the bird feeder as the hills in Hope faded in the evening dusk. His lips moved closer to hers. The camera moves in for a close-up.
But then he had to belch. He turned his head slightly to the left and quietly did so in his wife’s ear. He’d just been eating spiced spaghetti sauce, which is not a romantic smell, unless you were born somewhere between Genoa and Naples.
This man claims that he has seen on the TV screen almost every other bodily activity known to primates. Producers argue that they must show all these things to be true to life. But he has yet to see someone burp in a soap opera. He hopes that someone will do it soon and make it fashionable so his wife will come back.
8. Here’s a letter I read in a newspaper. It says, “The state and Chevron together have spent millions already to remove contaminated soil from the river and to protect the water from additional oil seepage. Why did the State pay one dime for something that these clowns caused?” Ahhh. People are finally starting to catch on --- the government is no more than the enabling branch of big business.
9. More and more Knox County women in their mid 40s are dating men in their early 20s.
A local sociologist, considers this to be a most unusual and unhealthy phenomenon and is hoping to discover what the two groups can possibly have in common.
He says, “You would think that a 45 year old woman would seek out a 60 year old man who could satisfy her intellectual needs. Yet we see many of these women, accompanied by no more than children, out on the town six and seven nights a week. One would think that a woman over 40 would know that you can’t trust a man until hair grows in his ears. Whatever do they find to talk about? What is it about these young men that older women find so attractive?”
10. Why are you the person you are today? Have you ever wondered how much of you is environment and how much is genetic? I’ve always leaned toward genes because although my brother and I were brought up in the same home at the same time by the same parents, he was getting top grades in college while I was flunking out. Same environment but I got shorted on the genes. If you also lean toward genes you will certainly want to hear this. The other day I listened to a young man who, 40 or so years before, had been abandoned by his father, a friend I grew up with and therefore knew very well. The young man had never had --- and didn’t want --- any contact with his father who had abandoned him. But --- I could hear in the young man’s speech the same tone and supercilious arrogance of the man he never knew but still despised.
Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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File Name of SD Episode: humble 2011 0911.mpg

Total SD Episode Video Runtime (hh:mm:ss): 00:55:56

File Size of SD Episode Video: 2,660,653,060 Bytes

Resolution of SD Episode Video: 720x480

Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Monday, October 3, 2011 - 14:50

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