Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2011 0814.mpg


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Episode Description:

Well received by the intelligentsia in Northern New England for over 30 years, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show that has delighted young and old alike every week since April 6, 1978 for radio --- and now for television.

On July 31st humble’s hard drive crashed while making a TV show and he’s been out of business for three weeks.

Music by: Clark Terry, Denny Breau, Django Reinhardt, Benny Goodman, Sydney Bechect, Jack Sheldon and Dexter Gordon.

This show contains 3.46 minutes of guitarist Denny Breau live on stage on Monhegan and 3.57 minutes of Jeff Miller speaking about the Maine Bikers Coalition.

Much of the video over the music shows the Maine Bikers going by humble’s house with a few minutes of Knowlton fixing a burnt out wire on humble’s well. Tame fare, indeed, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with a clip of The humble Farmer moving a Model T out of a henhouse where it has reposed for too many years. It ends, as usual, with the Keystone Cops driving a car off the end of a dock.

Here's the approximate humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of August 14, 2011.
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1. When I was a kid I noticed that old men talked to themselves. Lou Robinson would talk to his cow. Forrest Wall would sing. As a kid, I thought this strange. Now that I am closer to 80 than I am to 70 and hear myself talking out in the barn, I realize that what children hear is the very necessary articulated cogitation that keeps an old man from forgetting what he is doing.
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2. When Kassandra Hopkins out on Vinalhaven learned she had been awarded a $250,000 scholarship she said, “I think I screamed. People had to come into the office to see if anything was wrong.” It is a sad day when it might cost $250,000 to get through 10 years of any kind of US college. As I recall, 50 years ago tuition was something like $50 a semester and any rural kid could earn enough to get an education by working summers and after school and playing for dances Saturday night. Nowadays any poor kid determined enough to go to school in the US is in hock to the banks for the next ten or fifteen years. In recent years a college education has been discouraged by corporate America. An education does tend to create liberals. Nowadays, a lucrative career in the military is becoming a viable alternative for our high school graduates. It is becoming clear that the very last “entitlements” to be drained dry will be those of career military people. I can understand that Kassandra screamed. When I received a grant from the International Congress of Linguists to attend their 1967 Bucharest conference, I remember screaming and jumping about 3 feet off the ground. When I got to Romania and asked to be introduced to the other US delegates, I was told that there was only one delegate from each country. I asked Dr. Mohrmon why they picked me to represent Harvard, MIT, Stanford and Husson. She slowly looked me up and down and said, “Perhaps you were the only one who applied.” I advise young people to apply for every educational grant and scholarship that’s out there. If nothing else, it might keep them out of the army.
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3. The email I got said, “Defy your age. Miracle Anti-Aging Cures Now Available.” To begin with, the word cure obviously implies that aging is a disease. And if aging is a disease, babies are born sick. These ads to sell pills to cure aging are written by young people who don’t realize that most of us who are old don’t mind being old. Got that, kids? We don’t mind being old. We don’t mind looking old. The only thing that annoys us is feeling old.
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4. We read in the paper that some church members are handing out sandwiches on the streets of Bangor. Having had some small experience with this free food at the church thing I should tell you that there is often a tremendous covert price to be paid for it and that the victim should be aware of this before digging in. By the time an unmarried man is 50, he has learned how to forage for food. If there is an old bach among your acquaintances you already know how gratefully he receives from you a simple peanut butter sandwich. It was while a member of that hapless brotherhood that I learned of a singles club in Camden that met in the cellar of a church across from Yorkie’s Restaurant. Although each member attending probably had his or her own agenda, I came to eat. It didn’t take me long to notice one eye-grabbing young woman who cleaned up the remains of the banquet by simply waving her hand over the table. Growling deep in my throat, I invited her to visit. The same day every dish was washed and replaced in scrubbed cupboards on store-bought shelf paper. That done, she got down on her hands and knees and scrubbed all the floors in the house. In the meantime, she convinced me to sort through overflowing cardboard boxes of newspaper columns that had commandeered my entire house for years. I made more trips to the dump that month than I had in the past 20 years. Sensing my delight with her need for order, she shifted her maneuvers onto fresh ground. After sweeping out the cellar she hosed down the walls and scrubbed the cellar floor. While resting each day, she did the wash and prepared tasty, nourishing meals. I almost cried for joy when she scraped and painted my house and glazed all the windows, which any Maine woman could do --- but not while weeding two acres of vegetables. When she butchered my two pigs and packed them in the freezer, my friends knew I was a goner. Although we’ve now been happily married for 20 years, don’t expect to see her on my arm when I’m out on the town. I just can’t bring myself to be seen in public with a woman who always has such red, chapped hands.
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5. For over a year too much of my social commentary has been inspired by letters in the Bangor Daily News Blog which, for reasons unknown to me, turns up as email in my computer every morning. For months I thought the majority of letters were written by 17-year-old high school dropouts who had nothing to do but sit at their computers in a drunken stupor. But I have come to realize that I am being exposed to the thinking of an entire sub-strata of Maine adults. More often than not, the letters on the page are so absurd that I laugh out loud, and because laughter is conducive to one’s vascular system, I will continue to read them and reflect when moved to do so.
This came to mind when I read a unique item in a local newspaper that pushed that very same envelope of absurdity to the point of making me laugh out loud. Would you also laugh if you read that “The Thomaston Planning Board unanimously agreed Tuesday, July 19, that the Super Walmart proposed for Route I would create no ‘undue adverse impacts’ on the local economy, municipal services, or the environment”? My wife simply groaned.
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6. You have to be 18 or perhaps it’s 21 to buy beer in Maine. I don’t know which it is but I read a letter in the newspaper that said, “I've seen good stores with good employees failing to card people” How’s that again? Can an excellent store be defined as a store with excellent employees who never fail to card people?
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7. One of the cognoscenti who contribute to the newspaper blog I read daily informs us that "Irregardless" is NOT a word . . the correct term is "regardless". This is the kind of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put. I’ll continue to use irregardless irregardless, if you ain’t got no objections and will get back to you momentarily.
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8. Were you surprised to read that after beating on an Orneville citizen with a baseball bat and brass knuckles, the suspects left the scene in a pickup truck? For just once in your life wouldn’t you like to read that someone left a Maine crime scene in a chauffeur driven Bentley?
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9. Two lobster catchers from Down East were talking: “If I were to have an affair with your wife and she had my baby, would we be related?” “No, but we’d be even.”
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10. The wheel was invented when man needed to transport material over a great distance. Fire was first utilized when man moved north out of Africa and needed to keep warm at night. Bills or invoices evolved when Maine inn keepers started charging so much that they couldn’t look the customer in the eye when it came time to squaring accounts.
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SD (Standard Definition) File

File Name of SD Episode: humble 2011 0814.mpg

Total SD Episode Video Runtime (hh:mm:ss): 00:55:56

File Size of SD Episode Video: 2,660,610,052 Bytes

Resolution of SD Episode Video: 720x480

Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Sunday, August 21, 2011 - 06:19


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