Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2011 0605.mpg

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Episode Description:

Well received by the intelligentsia in Northern New England, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show The humble Farmer has produced every week since April 6, 1978 for radio and now for television.

Music by: Clark Terry, Fletcher Henderson, Joe Venuti, Woody Herman, Denny Breau, Oscar Peterson, and Scott Hamilton.

This show contains 3.46 minutes of guitarist Denny Breau live on stage on Monhegan.

Much of the video over the music shows The humble Farmer and his wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, putting in Marsha’s garden. Tame fare, indeed, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with a clip of some friends from Austin, Texas, about to take a ride in humble’s Model T, and ends with a unique clip of a few of humble’s neighbors raising the flag in memory of one of humble’s good friends who first appears in humble’s diary for 1949. The person being so honored was an extremely intelligent man who would have enjoyed this 6.21 minute clip that would have taxed the ingenuity of Mack Sennett.

Here's the humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of June 5, 2011.

1. Years ago my mother told me that when I was two I wandered off into the woods, but the dog found me and led me home. I asked her what happened to the dog. She said, “We gave him away.”
2. What can you tell me about holidays? If you look forward to them you are probably an adult who would rather stay home than go to work, or a child who has been alerted to its economic possibilities by an electronic media. If you are completely oblivious to holidays, birthdays or anniversaries, you are probably a very old man who lives alone.
Through no fault of my own, I missed our Memorial Day parade. I did know that it was Monday, I did know that I had not had my morning shower or put out the rhubarb. I did know that I was goofing off by sitting in my pajamas, writing for three or four hours before making my long-overdue television program --- which I absolutely had to make every day for the past three weeks. But --- when it was too late I suddenly remembered that it was the one day in the year that I like to drive my 1919 Model T Ford in the St. George Memorial Day parade. To make my crime even more culpable, although it was Memorial Day in Maine, the sun at least pretended to shine. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, spent the night on Monhegan and wasn’t here. The only written instructions I had in hand said “Hang Wash” and focusing my attention on anything else would have constituted mutiny or, at the least, dereliction of duty. For the first years of our marriage I awoke to the sound of a voice telling me what to do. As our marriage matured, I was awakened by a voice telling me to please put in my hearing aids so I could hear the voice telling me what it was I had to do. You know very well that when an old man’s wife dies, he is very likely to follow her within a year. Many people sadly shake their heads and tell you that he wasted away from grief. If the truth were known, no one told him to eat.
3. Every so often we read in the paper of a toddler who wandered off and was captured by a neighbor while standing in the middle of the road. One of the great regrets of my life is that I could never afford to have children.
But writing this reminds me (for the first time in 40 years) that my first wife and I did have a long, skinny cloth frog with foot-long braided green arms and legs that we called The Frog Child. If you and your spouse can’t afford children you might think about getting a Frog Child which can be held accountable for lost items or empty cookie packages or ice cream boxes. Anyway, although childless, over the past 40 or so years I have kept many wonderful pets that I cared for with kind and loving hands until I ate them, so I can understand the reader who said, "It can only take a moment or two for a kid to find away through anything" It was only yesterday that a donkey and four animals of a bovine persuasion found a way through my back electric fence that had been taken out a few hours earlier by a deer. Luckily, month-old Boris BadEnough had a tether on him --- for the sole purpose of making him retrievable --- and when he was removed from a neighbor’s garden and led home, everyone followed. Right then I realized that a lost kid or animal is sometimes a great excuse to take time to chat with an otherwise invisible neighbor. If you don’t have kids or animals your life can be channeled down into a very narrow rut. It’s the only reason some lonely young people in cities have long leashes on their dogs.
4. We read that state “budget deficits may total as much as $112 billion in the coming fiscal year…." Time for welfare reform? And isn’t cutting back on healthcare and education is another viable option. If you have seen the film “Inside Job” you know where the money went and who took it. An on-line synopsis says, “'Inside Job' provides a comprehensive analysis of the global financial crisis of 2008, which at a cost of over $20 trillion, caused millions of people to lose their jobs and homes in the worst recession since the Great Depression, and nearly resulted in a global financial collapse. Through exhaustive research and extensive interviews with key financial insiders, politicians, journalists, and academics, the film traces the rise of a rogue industry which has corrupted politics, regulation, and academia.” Obama bashers will be glad to see that although Obama wasn’t responsible for our present debacle, they can condemn his decision to add to his staff many, many of GWB’s people who got very rich bringing our country to its knees. --- So the foxes are still guarding the hen pen. If you’ve seen “Inside Job” you know that the looters, who make Bernie Madoff look like Mother Teresa, weren’t even accused of a crime. You’ve never even heard of most of them. If you’ve seen “Inside Job” you might even chuckle every time you read in your local paper about one of your neighbors who warrants huge headlines for shoplifting a bag of chips.
5. Do you seem to be using more toilet paper than you used to? Do you replace the roll every other day? Did you ever stop to think that this might be because toilet paper is getting thicker? There’s not so much toilet paper on the roll as there used to be back when it felt like wax paper. Toilet paper is getting thicker because you are buying it by the roll and not the linear foot. Toilet paper profits have soared in recent years because most of what you are buying nowadays is air. Which reminds me that 40 or more years ago there was a man in Rockland, Maine who sold air. He had a store, and, among other things, he sold lobsters. When you’d go in there and ask for two lobsters, he’d break out a thick paper bag. And then he’d stick his hand down into to the lobster tank and he’d lift out a lobster upside down and throw the lobster and about a cup of water into the bag. And then he’d scoop out about as much water with the second lobster and he’d throw that big open bag up on a scale. If you lived in Rockland, you’ll remember that over that scale there was a ceiling fan that pressed the open bag down onto the scale with a driving 40 mile an hour wind, and that was what you’d pay for. One day, when his clerk gave me the price on two lobsters, I took them out of the bag, handed them back to him and said to weigh them again --- I’d take them without the bag and wind. He said the boss wasn’t going to like it, but when he put those two lobsters on the scale I saved 90 cents by not having to pay for the bag, the salt water and the compressed air. --- Which brings me back to your bathroom. The next time you look at your roll of toilet paper, ask yourself how much of what you bought was air.
6. When you come right down to it, you have never seen a man so homely but what he could get some other man’s wife to run off with him. But seeing the contested beauty bragging about the affair in front of a TV camera is something else. That said, I can see a day when only homely men will run for public office. If you will consider the many cheating men you have seen commanding the evening news, you would have to admit that they are far above average in looks, income, fame and physical prowess. Whenever they are tried by the bar of public opinion, women crawl out of the woodwork and vie to confess that, “When we were in the third grade he used to pull my pigtails.” But --- suppose the man were coyote ugly? How much would you have to pay a woman to admit that she had ever been that desperate? Homely men can cheat all they want and no woman would ever tell. Homely politicians are the wave of the future. We’ve already got a good start on it here in Maine.
7. And here are some Bangor people who were arrested because they called the police and pretended that someone had broken into their home. Had they been lucky enough to be living in Boston instead of Bangor they wouldn't have had go to all that bother of pretending.
8. “Maine has one of the highest numbers of veterans in the nation.” You might find figures that rate Maine third from the top of this list or twice as many as New York.
Aren’t children with poor/uneducated parents more likely to join the military than their affluent neighbors? It was recently brought to my attention that because most of the people in my town of St. George, Maine were against Mr. Lincoln’s “Republican War,” many of them hired substitutes to march off and take a bullet for them. The town of St. George, Maine, Copperheads almost to a man, borrowed money to pay the substitutes if young men couldn’t pay it themselves. Isn’t it usually the poor Maine kids today who join the military? They don’t realize that Europe is always there as a viable education/career opportunity. If there were an inescapable draft today, would the hawkish members of Congress be diminished by the number of Senators and Representatives with a child old enough to be shipped off to “preserve our freedom”?
9. A while back a shabby derelict showed up at a Maine church right after the service and asked if he could have $50 to get him to New Bedford so he could get work on a fishing boat. When the three deacons assembled to consider the case, one of the deacons, a teacher, recognized the man as one of the most troublesome kids he’d ever had in school. The second, a prison guard, had fingerprinted the fellow when he was admitted to the state prison. The third, in one of those coincidences that you only hear about on TV, had been the man’s prisoner advocate and parole officer.
None of the three deacons let on that they’d ever seen the candidate before and he didn’t let on that he knew them.
They gave him the $50 to get him on a boat 200 miles away in New Bedford and figured it was the best money they had ever spent.
Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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File Name of SD Episode: humble 2011 0605.mpg

Total SD Episode Video Runtime (hh:mm:ss): 00:55:56

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Wednesday, June 8, 2011 - 09:47

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