Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2011 0130.mpg

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Episode Description:

Well received by the intelligentsia in Northern New England, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show The humble Farmer has produced every week since April 6, 1978 for radio and now on television.

Music by: Clark Terry, Harry Allen, Django Reinhardt, Joe Venuti, Lee Morse, Ted Weems, Denny Breau and Charlie Gray

This show contains 1.17 minutes of The humble Farmer live on stage in Rockland, Maine at a meeting of the National Reo Association, and 5.49 minutes of guitarist Denny Breau live on stage on Monhegan.

The video over the music is from the museums and flea market at Fort Meade, Florida on January 14, 2011.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with a cartoon spoof on To Catch a Predator featuring Romeo and the 13-year-old Juliet. Here's the humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of January 30, 2011.
1. I have no idea of what we are going to talk about today. When I look through my notes I see that every time I thought of something I wanted to tell you I was interrupted when I was trying to write it down. Four hours later there is no way I can remember what it was I wanted to say. Here’s one here. All it says is: “What a different place our world would be today if Cain had been gay.” Now --- I have to admit that I have no idea of where I was going with that. Was I going to suggest that had Cain been gay there would be no wars? Or was I going to turn it completely around and say that would have made Cain the first gay basher? I don’t know. Here’s another example. One morning after taking my shower I stood before the bathroom mirror and saw several long straight red streaks on my side. I immediately recognized the pattern of red lines because the day before I had seen a map of the most popular South American landing strips for aliens. But before I could take notes on what could have turned into a best-selling book I was told in no uncertain terms to stop admiring my body and carry out the trash. Have you ever been able to finish even the simplest of projects at home before you were interrupted by a phone call or a visitor or someone barking imperious commands from the kitchen? Where do suppose you and I would be today if --- after he had written, “When in the Course of human events…” --- someone had hollered, “You get in here and eat before it gets cold.”
2. Did you read that some hockey player stood out on the ice before a crowd of people and proposed to his girlfriend? It reminds me that while standing on a stage in front of 100 or so people, I asked my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, if she'd marry me. As I recall, she was sitting in the back of the room and her reply was, "Not until I check your bank statement." Luckily, she never did. Although our wedding warranted a two-page spread in Sam Pennington's Antique Digest, I don't recall as anyone saw anything unusual about my proposing from a platform and it never made the papers. My wife has never considered divorce. She knows that at my age it will be more expedient to simply sweat it out and collect my life insurance. Anyway, I'm sure this nice young hockey player and his wife will enjoy many happy years of marriage --- as long as he always does what she says.
3. Although man no longer has an uncontrollable urge to climb trees and drag his knuckles on the ground, his day to day life is still driven by the powerful genes of his hunting forebearers. If we can believe anthropologists, men once spent their days sharpening spears and planning new hunts --- when not actually killing and carrying home food for their little families. Today this need to venture forth in search of life’s necessities manifests itself in the Saturday morning garage sale. I’m addicted to the hunt. I go every Saturday. Even though there hasn’t been room for a man’s pickup in his cluttered garage for years, vestiges of primeval adrenalin drives him out before dawn with the knowledge that today, for sure, he will find a grieving widow who will sell her husband’s brand new set of sockets or his chainsaw for two bucks.
4. Under a newspaper column that listed a raft of diseases humans can get from kissing animals, an animal lover wrote: “Ya, another credible study that will have too get $Millions in grants from OUR Government to do further study for about 10 years and then will finally conclude that it isn't as bad as first thought.” This is interesting. Kissing dogs -- “It isn’t as bad as first thought.” How cold do you suppose it had to get in that lonely cabin in the Maine woods to bring our adventurous friend to that conclusion? One can only wonder how many long-suffering Maine coon dogs have thought to themselves, “Please, please, no tongue and not on the lips.”
5. We read that up in Dexter a 78-year-old man came out of a grocery store, put his groceries in someone else’s car, and drove it home. It was the same color as his car and his key fit exactly. Someone has probably already written a country and western song about not using your key to start someone else’s car so I don’t need to. But it does remind me that men of all ages are easily confused. Years ago when I was playing for dances at the Blue Goose in Belfast, I would often look down from the bandstand and see men who were only 40 leave the hall with their neighbor's wife.
6. Speaking of technology --- Have you ever seen a vawt? Have you ever met anyone who says that they have? I have an email from my good old friend Charlie that says, “Humble, I have vawt design. You want to help make it?” You already know that I Googled – but did you know that vawt means vertical axis wind turbine? I remember that when I was a kid you’d see a round metal thing with slots in it on the top of henhouses and when the wind would blow that ball would spin around. I mentioned this vertical axis wind turbine to my brother who said that years ago they had a wind turbine on the end of a dock down in Port Clyde. It was in a 30 foot tower and the blades were parallel to the ground. Depending on the direction of the wind, they would open the appropriate windows in the tower to make the wheel turn. The windmill sawed wood and ground grain. My brother said he didn’t know who invented it, but I bet the basic design was worked out 2,000 years ago by some Greek who was washing his back.
7. Boo hoo. Here it is again. My friend Tom sends me a quote from his favorite economic guru who says that people are going to organize tax revolts. Tom’s guru says that people can’t afford to pay more school tax, property tax, any kind of tax. Wouldn’t that make you raise an eyebrow? You know as well as I do that the folks who cry and whine the most about paying too much in taxes are greedy rich people who don’t want to help the rest of us pay for roads and schools and war. Do you trust people who cry about paying too much in taxes? Couldn’t our problem be that not enough of the super rich people are paying their fair share of taxes? And too much of what small Maine business people pay in taxes in this country goes to support a military. You don’t have to travel to too many parts of the world before you discover that the more taxes everyone pays, the higher the standard of living is in that country. The super rich aren’t paying their share here which has shifted the entire burden on small businesses and is bringing them down and making them howl. Unfortunately, the people who own small businesses shoot themselves in the foot by voting for the candidates of the super rich. That’s really not logical and anyone who dropped in on us from another planet would think they had followed Alice down a rabbit hole.
8. My computer guru friend Richard has all his email go into another account before he accepts it into his computer. Because I get 300 or so junk emails every day I probably should get him to set me up with the same program. But think of all the interesting reading I would miss if I did. It’s almost as much fun as reading red-neck letters on a newspaper’s blog. Listen to the captions on this junk mail. “Are you ever self-conscious on a first date?” Back when I was a kid I knew people who weren’t even conscious on their first dates. “Vinal siding is maintenance-free” Yeah, ever see some of that vinal siding that has been hit with a rock or a stick or anything else? Some of those places covered with vinal siding look like backdrops for a Rambo shootout. The water goes in those holes and rots out the entire house. “$250,000 policy for around $10/Month” There’s a bait and switch if you ever saw one. “Have you had hip replacement surgery?” Well, who wants to know? “Your TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian credit scores may who have changed.” Again, who cares? “Somebody is searching for you on Facebook.” Well, that’s good. I’ll probably hear from them today because there are several hundred web pages out there somewhere with my contact information on them. “Choose the Healthy Smoker’s Alternative: No Carbon Monoxide, Tar, Ash.” No comment needed here. And “Your psychic reading is enclosed.” Now there’s one that’s on the money. I was just thinking about them yesterday.

9. There is a town named Rockport on the coast of Maine. Years ago I asked the owner of a Rockport restaurant if he’d like to come on my television program and tell everyone what a nice place it was. And the man said that it was indeed a very nice restaurant. In fact, it was much too good to be advertised on the television program that I was doing at the time. You can believe that I thought about that man and his restaurant for years. And there came a day when someone mentioned that fancy Rockport restaurant. I said that years ago the owner of that restaurant had let me know in no uncertain terms that it was a class or two above anything that ever appeared on my television program. And the woman who had mentioned it in the first place laughed. She said, “The last time I was in there, someone stole my coat.”
10. One sunny morning my wife’s youngest grandchild walked into the room while chewing on the handle of a fly swatter. My brother, who was right there and saw it, said that back in the good old days that was the way children immunized themselves against disease. And when you hear this example of what happens to kids who don’t chew on fly swatters, you might agree. My brother mentioned mother’s cousin Will Williamson, who lived up near the corner of Gleason Street in Thomaston. Cousin Will perished with some childhood disease, probably in the 1920s. I can remember going into Uncle Dell’s house in the early 1940s and seeing a cardboard doll of Charlie McCarthy that had belonged to Cousin Will and I remember being aware that Cousin Will had died before his time. But it wasn’t until that sunny morning in my kitchen that I realized what had killed him. Cousin Will’s parents were protective. They kept him from ever catching anything from other children or anyone else. When the day finally came when he did catch something, his body couldn’t handle it. Cousin Will was kept so clean and pure that without realizing what they were doing, his parents actually washed him to death.
Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Thursday, February 3, 2011 - 07:23

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