Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2010 0926.mpg


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Episode Description:

Well received by the intelligentsia in Northern New England, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show The humble Farmer has produced every week since April 6, 1978 for radio and now on television.
Music by: James P. Johnson, Tom Snow, Bix Beiderbecke, Brad Terry, Louis Armstrong, John Thyhsen, Paul Whiteman, Don Doane, Jelly Roll Morton
The show is tightly scripted. Here's the humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of September 26, 2010
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1. My friend Winky’s wife was hinting about what she wanted for an anniversary present. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." So Winky bought her a bathroom scale.
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2. If you haven’t traveled lately you are lucky. Air travel is tougher in this country today than it’s ever been. Count your blessings if you can sit by your fire and never venture forth because riding on an airplane is a first class pain. If you have to travel and can avoid planes by driving your car, I strongly suggest that you do so. I was in an airport in Detroit and the hour I spent there was pure unmitigated agony. Because, no matter where you sit or stand in American airports today there is a television set and you cannot get away from Fox news.
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3. Shed no tears for me when I tell you that I could never afford to have children. Marsha’s oldest granddaughter visited us for a weekend so I was able to realize the same 3-year old grandchild benefits at a fraction of the cost. And, for the first time in my life I was able to aid in the development of a young, receptive mind. Take, for example, teaching a little one to name the body parts on a stuffed moose. This is the --- nose. This is the --- mouth. These are the ---- eyes. This is an ---- ant-ler. So this other one must be an --- uncle-er. And then there is the mess generated by water colors and play dough. Do you know what happens when you get too old for play dough? You’ll read Aristotle.
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4. The email said, “Look rich with Rolex from $199.” It made me laugh when I saw it. Who in their right mind would pay $199 for a watch when you can get a good one for $12 most anywhere? And who wants to look rich? A couple of my friends look rich, and when they went to the film festival in Cannes someone stole their rich kid looking bag with credit cards and money and who knows what else in it. What do you think those Frenchmen hold that film festival for? The bag I carry when I travel looks like something a Steinbeck character would have thrown off a bald-tired truck half way between Oklahoma and California. Nobody would steal my bag. And if they did all they’d get would be a pair of dirty drawers. My wife told me that my bag belonged to her first husband from Amsterdam, so it has been around for a while. Why would anyone want to look rich? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to be rich and look poor?
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5. When man started to live in small communities thousands of years ago certain social rules evolved to keep good neighbors from killing each other. Ever since then there has been a general disagreement about what a government is supposed to do. Some people think that the purpose of a government is to provide security, municipal services, education and health care. These people realize that services that make life worth living cost money and that it is their tax money that makes it possible. Today the countries with the highest taxes, like Holland and Sweden, have the highest standard of living. My friends who have worked in countries like Nigeria where taxes are low, told me that the natives in the cities sit on street corners and cook over burning rubber tires. Nigerian streams are open sewers cluttered with plastic. You are escorted to your barricaded office by armed guards. You would not want to live in Nigeria where taxes are low. But in every country there are people who do not like government and taxes. They want all the benefits of good roads and a good education and a good income but wail and rend their garments when asked to help support their government with the tax money that makes it all possible. These two groups of people naturally form political parties through which they fight to achieve their goals. Have you noticed that whenever the party that claims that government doesn’t work is in office, they do everything they can to prove that they are right?
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6. We all have things that we can do. And there are other things that we cannot do. Perhaps an adult might be defined as: “a person who knows what he can do and what he can’t do --- and isn’t afraid to admit it.” The email I recently received said, “humble, Don't you remember what I thought of as Plan A?” Of course I don’t remember anything about Plan A. Because I’d like you to learn a little more about me, you might listen closely to the reply I sent to this person: “Please realize that I don’t remember much of anything. My talent is not in remembering, but in synthesizing that which I have recently heard and presenting it to friends as original material.”
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7. Do you see strange things and wonder about them? Do you know enough to keep your mouth shut when you do? We’ve talked about some curious dining customs, but let’s chew it over some more. In some of the better households, guests have been seen standing quietly behind their chairs until the hostess is seated. My wife is so busy tending out on everyone at the table, she might not sit down until most of us have finished. If good manners is doing what makes your host and hostess comfortable, when you come to our house you will enter the dining room, sit down quickly and thereby get out of the way so we can get on with the matter at hand. There are among us a few people who really enjoy doing things to annoy their friends. One of the one or two things in this whole world you might do to make me ugly is to come to my house for supper and then show me that you have good manners by standing behind your chair.
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8. While we are talking about the strange and curious things people do when invited to a friend’s house for dinner, we should mention clearing the table at the end of the meal. If you have ever made a study of this as I have, you will notice that men and women alike are likely to leap to their feet and bring their empty plates, along with everything else into the pantry. Of course there is no room for all these things or this struggling mass of humanity in the pantry. There is only room for one person in the pantry. You might compare their arrival with the effect of a diverted river on the Agean Stables. A home is not a restaurant where there are huge empty stainless steel racks where you can pile all this clutter beside the dish washer. There is only one counter, and that is already piled high with all the pots and pans that were used to prepare the meal. Can’t you see, my friend, that if you want to help, you’ll stay rooted to your chair or go outdoors or do anything except contribute to the chaos that already exists around the person who is trying to restore order in the kitchen?
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9. Table manners are changing in this country. It is getting so that if you want someone to feel comfortable when they come to your house for supper, you serve them in paper plates on a plastic tray with plastic forks and a paper cup. Without even thinking, they’ll get up when they’ve finished, dump the paper and plastic into a big barrel, throw their tray on a pile next to the barrel, and leave. The only thing that will remain the same as the good old days is the absence of a tip.
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10. If you think your money isn’t going far today, wait two more years. The value of your dollar is dropping rapidly all over the world. No matter how many billions of dollars your health insurance and gas companies chalk up in profits every year, please do remember that those billions don’t go as far as they used to. I went in a store recently and slapped down a fifty dollar bill on the counter. I can’t remember where I was, but I might have been paying for a tank of gas. The man said, “I just opened. Don’t you have anything smaller than a 50?” I just stood there in a daze for two or three seconds. And I finally shook my head and said, “Tell me what I can buy today with anything smaller than a 50.”
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11. The email I got said, “Our newest DVD: Girls Gone Wild, Wildest Bar in America is A coast to coast search for the craziest clubs loaded with the hottest girls.” Wouldn’t it be fun to travel Fort Myers looking for the Wildest Trailer Park South of Georgia? If Orange Harbor Park didn’t win, it would at least take honorable mention. I have seen 80-year-old women lie by the pool until their wrinkled skin was black and crusted. I have seen retired doctors and bankers, octogenarians all, sneak out an hour before sunrise to illegally water their parched lawns. I have seen a woman go back north in April with one aged husband, only to return in November with a different one --- who didn’t last out the season. I have seen with my own eyes, four people with a combined age of 368 playing bridge until 9:30 pm. I have seen seniors gone wild.
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Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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File Name of SD Episode: humble 2010 0926.mpg

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Saturday, October 2, 2010 - 05:59


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