Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2010 0704.mpg


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Episode Description:

Well received by the intelligentsia in Northern New England, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show The humble Farmer has produced every week since April 6, 1978 for radio and now on television.

Music by: Erroll Garner, Ted Weems, Wingy Manone, Clarence Williams, Bob Crosby, Count Basie, Brad Terry

The show is tightly scripted. Here's the humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of July 4, 2010
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1. We read in today’s newspaper that one in four Maine high school students who work part time jobs experienced sexual harassment. The study looked at 20 types of unwanted and uninvited behaviors including, but not limited to, groping and actual sexual assault. Even more surprising than the high percentage of young boys who had been groped was the discovery that some of them didn’t even go to church.
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2. Do you have a problem with stress? I don’t. Someone takes my blood pressure several times a year for various and sundry reasons and it is 110 over 80 or 120 over 60. I don’t know what that means but I write it down in my book which is why I can give you those figures now. But on Monday I drove 40 miles in a pouring rain to do a TV interview for my upcoming WMPG show, which I thought went very well. But on the way home, my face felt hot. I looked in the rear view mirror and my forehead looked red. Something didn’t feel right behind my eyes. It brought to mind an attack of red face I had many years ago. It was a hot day in July and I was wearing a heavy 50-year-old set of oilskins. I was wearing roller skates and had been towed, like a water skier, behind my 1919 Model T truck the whole length of the Rockland Lobster Festival Parade. And at the end of the parade, I was red and boiling. So on Monday I thinks to myself, I’ll bet my blood pressure is high. I’ll just drop by my doctor’s office and ask if a nurse would be kind enough to take my blood pressure. So that is what I did, and when I stood before the receptionist and made my request, she asked me for my name. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, talks about my being oblivious to the world around me. But there I was before the receptionist with my name tag hanging out and she asked me for my name. And I thought to myself, “Perhaps I’m not the one who should go in there and have my head examined.” Luckily it was a slow day and a very capable nurse quickly took my blood pressure which was 150 over 84. Probably a record for me. I told her that high blood pressure was something new for me, I never had it, and I asked her what I should do. She said to go home, relax and stay away from stress. I said, “How can I? I’m married to her.”
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3. Radio friend Doc Carey just sent me an email containing comments on James Watson and Richard Dawkins. I had never heard of Richard Dawkins but you might profit by checking him out on Wikipedia. We read that Dawkins is a supporter of the Brights Movement, and because I had never heard of that either I checked that out, too. Unfortunately --- reading about what Richard Dawkins says about the Selfish Gene is just about as rewarding as reading what David Mumford has to say about spike trains in neurons. --- Good luck understanding any of it. But The Brights Movement, which promotes public understanding and acknowledgment of a naturalistic worldview free of supernatural and mystical elements, is a bit easier to understand, so let’s talk about that. To begin with, can we agree that there is the supernatural and then there is --- the supernatural? As you well know, I’m on the side of science and we don’t believe in the supernatural. But there is that other supernatural that I wouldn’t mess with. Would you dare to let a rocking chair rock if no one was in it? I guess I wouldn’t. Or would you stand on a hill in a thunder storm and scream, “I ain’t scared of lightning. Go ahead. I’m standing here. What are you waiting for?” Or, would you dare to say: “Humpf. There’s no way in the world our daughter would even consider marrying him.” Think about it and tell me if you could be recruited by the Brights Movement that doesn’t believe in superstition.
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4. One reads that a Knox County man is resting comfortably in Pen Bay hospital after having a $102,000 heart bypass operation, and according to jail administrators will be returned to the county jail in a week. This man experienced severe chest pains last Thursday afternoon and knew that he was having a heart attack. Realizing that he and his family would lose their home because he could never pay for his medical expenses, he quickly dialed 911, dragged himself out of the house, and, with his last ounce of remaining strength, emptied his pistol into the windows of the vacant house next door. He was immediately arrested for illegal discharge of a firearm and taken to the hospital. Because he was a prisoner at the time, taxpayers will be presented with his medical bill. According to my friend lawyer Crandall, case law indicates that the county is responsible for these bills. Until the United States has the universal health care enjoyed in all progressive industrialized counties (and even some so-called Third World Countries), expect to read more stories like this in the immediate future.
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5. Young people today don’t know about the degree of moderation we used to enjoy here in Maine. Back when I was a kid we had neighbors who were moderate. One day Alva Harris was lying on his back underneath a car in his garage when he saw some boots walking around. So Alva hollers out, is that you George? And George says, “Yes, you awful busy today Alva?” And Alva says, “What you need?” And George says, “My house is on fire.”
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6. A Maine man accused of shooting his wife to death told a friend he did it because she had been nagging. Although this situation is too horrible to warrant commentary, one can’t help but wonder how many men were tempted to clip the article from the newspaper and quietly nail it to a sunny wall --- in the kitchen.
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7. You know that I have studied Hitler for many years. As a person who has also stood before many audiences, I wanted to know what Hitler said in his speeches that made millions of people leap to their feet and cheer. And after reading many books about Hitler and after watching old movies of him giving speeches, one would probably conclude that what Hitler said really wasn’t as important as how he said it. Even if he were spouting gibberish, he commanded the audience. If you will take the time to listen to a couple of Hitler’s speeches on YouTube, even if you don’t understand German, you might recognize that style of stage presence that Hitler made famous. He shouts. He punctuates his words by waving his arms or pacing about like a man possessed by demons. He sounds sincere. Like any professional speaker, he knows how to use silence. Of course, if you bothered to write down what he said, you might be surprised to see that on a printed page the words didn’t amount to much of anything. So, happily, you won’t see many present day politicians trying to move audiences with Hitler’s old-time platform skills. But they will probably come to mind when you watch the evangelists on television.
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8. It seems as someone got blind drunk and staggered off, bare butt naked, and started a fire on the floor of a nearby sauna. The property owner heard a commotion outside and dialed 911. By this time, the drunk’s friends had found him and put out the fire. Meanwhile the drunk had run into the woods, still bare butt naked. Later, a fireman reported seeing him out on the main road so the property owner once again called 911, this time to alert the sheriff. And what do you think the dispatcher said when she was told that a naked man was staggering down the road? “Can you give me a description?”
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11. You know you’re old when you realize that you miss the good old songs Do your children and grandchildren listen to music that you can’t understand or appreciate? You might have seen a TV program advertised on which they promised to play the 40 worst songs from last year. Did it make you wonder how they could be sure they got the right ones?
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? Over 100 years ago J. C. Lincoln wrote books about the seafaring people who lived on Cape Cod. One of Lincoln’s characters, a church-going man who swore every other word, said he got in the habit of swearing when he was first mate on a fishing schooner. For many years he had handled frozen cod line in January and said that although he’d tried milder words he couldn’t seem to get no comfort out of them. This came to mind one Sunday morning when a preacher came on television and delivered a message. Because he was a Maine preacher and didn’t shout I couldn’t seem to get no comfort out of him. This is probably because Elmer Gantry is one of my heroes. And because I’ve always admired the style of Elmer Gantry I’ve always enjoyed watching the wide assortment of preachers from way down south that seem to be on every other channel nowadays. You remember that good old time preacher Jim Bakker who stole all the money from little old ladies and spent years in jail alongside of that other American icon, Lyndon LaRouche. You might remember that Jerry Falwell was more than a bit annoyed when Jim Bakker went to jail because when word got out what they were doing with all that money, the contributions from little old ladies fell off drastically. Anyway, when you turn on your television today you can tell which ones are real preachers who guarantee deliverance because --- if you will sit down right this minute and write them a check for $41 or $410 or more --- if you can afford it --- they will send you a book that explains in detail why the end, that has been promised for almost 2,000 years, really is near. No, I couldn’t seem to get no comfort from that Maine preacher who was on there that Sunday morning. You want to grab my attention and earn my respect as a bona fide representative of God, you’d better whine and beg me to send you money.
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Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Tuesday, July 6, 2010 - 06:35


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