Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2009 0809.mpg

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Script for The humble Farmer show: August 9, 2009 Plus music by Django, Joe Venuti, Fletcher Henderson, Wingy Manone, Eddie Lang and Clarence Williams
1. You hear them saying it every time you turn on your television set. You can save, save, save at our sizzling summer sales. Don’t stop to think about it, but hurry, hurry, hurry. We only have four or five warehouses full of these things but you can still get one while they last. --- Have you noticed that everyone wants to help you save --- at least that’s what they tell you. They spend billions of dollars every year on television ads that tell you how you can --- come in and save on a new car. Come in and save on furniture. It is probably unpatriotic to say so, but you know as well as I do that the only way you can save --- is to stay home.
2. Have you ever beaten the system? Don’t tell me that you have because I am old and therefore supposedly wise and I know it can’t be done. I went to town to get a muffler for my truck, and --- because I thought I was old and wise and might just this once beat the system, I took the old muffler off my truck and carried it into Steve Corson’s parts store with me. I had the numbers of the truck and I had the old muffler. And they gave me exactly what I wanted which was exactly what I took off. But --- yes, you know about but. But --- when I got home I discovered that the exhaust pipe was 2 inches and the muffler was 2 ¼ inches and I had a gasket for a 2 ¼ inch hole. This would probably work under optimum conditions, but just enough of my old exhaust pipe had rusted away so the 2 ¼ inch gasket had no surface to bear on and it leaked. Pum, pum, pum. And I didn’t buy a new muffler so I could drive around town going, “Look at me, pum, pum, pum, look at me, pum, pum, pum.” So I had to drive back to town and get a smaller gasket. Go ahead. Make lists. Measure everything and write it down. Double check your numbers. It’s not going to make a bit of difference. No matter what you do, you’re going to end up driving into town twice. You can’t beat the system.
3. Ever hear of Arun Gupta? A radio friend sent me one of his articles and when I Googled Arun Gupta an interesting page turned up on restaurant chain foods that said restaurant chain foods are nothing more than layers of fat, salt and sugar. A reoccurring item is "bacon-cheese fries," which is called a coronary event on a plate. "’Bacon-cheese fries,’ a coronary event on a plate.” I laugh every time I read that. Even though I love bacon, I haven’t had one slice for five years now. Here’s another article you can Google. It is, “Bacon as a weapon of mass destruction.” If you have a radio show and you can make people laugh, even if they disagree with what you are saying, they are going to listen to you --- which makes you a very dangerous person. Because having this kind of power can get you kicked off the air I’m glad I could never do it.
4. I don’t like the way things are going in this country, but it’s probably because I’m old. If you’re old, you probably don’t like the way things are going in this country, either. You might have recently seen on the news an example of what we’re talking about here --- the woman who hired a hit man to kill her husband. Of course the hit man was really a police man, and if you watch television you know that most of the men who run ads for hit man services are really undercover policemen. The woman we’re talking about here must have been incredibly stupid not to know that. When the police got enough incriminating evidence on tape, they grabbed her for trying to hire a hit man to kill her husband and who knows what will happen to her now --- perhaps she’ll have her own talk show on Fox News or AM radio. Back in the good old days Americans united in an honest Christian marriage would fight and cheat on each other and then mess up their children’s minds by getting a divorce. No, I don’t like the way things are going in this country today. But that’s probably just because I’m old.
5. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. In 1692 this saying appeared in a book of fables and if you were to give Hammurabi’s Code a close reading, you might find it in there, too. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. That is pure, unadulterated wisdom and, as you might expect, I’m going to give you an example. My wife Marsha, The almost perfect woman, has a rare kind of Muscular Dystrophy that she inherited from her father and his French-Canadian forbearers. She is losing the strength in her legs and when she does navigate stairs, she has to pull herself up with the help of the handrail. This is tough on a Type A woman who still goes full tilt on level ground. But, last week while visiting her daughter, who is a very clever registered nurse, my wife Marsha submitted to some new kind of hands-on therapy, called Body Talk. Of course, Body Talk therapy was probably common in Iraq and Egypt 4,000 years ago. Marsha herself is the daughter of an RN and never believed in touchy-feely. But --- she said that after an hour under her daughter’s healing hands, her pain was gone and the next day she was able to hop about like a mountain goat on the rocks over on Clark’s Island. Today, however, even though Marsha could barely get up the cellar stairs, when her daughter called and said that it was time for another session, Marsha said --- and I heard her say it, “I can’t drive way down to your house and back just for that. You want to remember I can’t do the things I could do 20 years ago when I was your age.” But --- this very same Type A woman expects her 73-year-old husband to do the things he could do when he was 19.
6. One of Hitler’s most perceptive tricks was trolling in the honest --- but ignorant masses --- by waving flags and playing patriotic music. So, remember --- when people try to draw you into their fold by appealing to your patriotism instead of your reason, they hope and expect that you are incapable of reason.
7. A retired professor told me that when she traveled in Scotland she always tried to go back to the same bed and breakfast. I think most people do that --- the familiar road is the easy one. Most of our guests have visited us before, and some come three or four times in one season. You might enjoy ferreting out new and different experiences, but like penguins that mate for life, most people will stick with a tried and proven path. But I started out to tell you about a bed and breakfast my friend visited in Scotland. She said that her room was cold and she asked if they would turn up the heat. The host said he would turn up the heat. But a little while later nothing had happened so she asked why the room was still cold. The host said, “We can’t heat that room. There’s a ghost in there.”
8. A friend of mine sent me one of these panic chicken-little the sky is falling emails. You know the panic emails I’m talking about. You often wonder if the people who send them have even bothered to read them themselves. These emails say, “You’ve got to help us with this. Send this email to everyone you know.” I recently Googled one of these Chicken Little emails and found the source to be an English newspaper that supported Hitler in the 1930s. Some things don't change.
9. You probably know that the fines for shoplifting, theft, assault on an officer and similar crimes are $100 or so. But fines for not having your insurance papers in your truck or for forgetting to register it are $200 or $300. According to the fines, crimes against people are not considered serious as crimes against the bureaucracy. Doesn’t that tell you which powerful lobby is helping to make the laws nowadays?
10. Have you noticed that every time you read about a new disease or mental abnormality, you have reason to believe that you have it? I’ve never been able to recognize faces. When I meet people, I’ve learned to tell them to please speak to me the next time we meet. I explain to them that, unless I’ve met you 10 or more times, I lack the ability to recognize you when I meet you on the street, even though you might have had supper at my house the night before. Today I read that the inability to recognize faces is one of the diagnostic markers for autism. So --- within the past year I’ve been told that I have sleep apnea, I’ve had to admit that I have attention deficit disorder and now it seems that I have a mild but annoying form of autism. If you want to stay healthy and happy, I might suggest that you stick to reading history and avoid medical science.
11. If you were watching the news, you know about the big lobster that was taken out of a tank in a New York City restaurant. Biologists said it was 80 years old. Some people who felt bad for the lobster bought it and took it up to Maine where they threw it overboard in the middle of January. A woman named Jasmine allegedly said, “Let's see, they take an 80-year-old guy, living in a warm, safe place where he's assured of being well fed and people admire him for his age. They pull him out of there and toss him into the cold ocean where he has to fend for himself to eat and constantly be wary of predators.” End of quote. You know, I am at an age where I can identify.”
12. Have you noticed that there is a lot of opposition to the most recent bailout? Have you also noticed that all of the opposition is coming from the folks who already got theirs?
13. When I went into the doctor’s office, the doctor asked me if I had noticed the man who just left. I allowed as how I had seen a man leave but I hadn’t paid too much attention. The doctor said, “That man is 107 years old, and he plays golf every day.” Wow. Isn’t it sad to see a man who is still strong and active at 107 who’s completely lost his mind?

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 - 05:48

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