Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2014 0309

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Episode Description:

Synopsis of The humble Farmer TV show for March 9, 2014

Thank you for looking at a program called “Damariscotta Pumpkinfest”

56 minutes. This show includes a 3.17 minute clip of Denny Breau singing and playing guitar and 1.49 minutes of Dr. Dick’s Dancing Puppets.

Although The humble Farmer is just as contrived as any reality show, here you will see no overweight people with tattoos pretending to repossess automobiles or emaciated wealthy models getting a massage.

Well received in Northern New England as a radio show for 35 years, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show that has delighted young and old alike every week since April 6, 1978 for radio --- and now for television.

Most of the video over the music is of people paddling 1000 pound hollowed-out pumpkins in the cold salt water by the waterfront of Damariscotta, Maine. 10,000 or so people are cheering them on from the shore.

Music is by: Clark Terry, Sonny Stitt, Natalie Cole, Errol Garner, Spike Jones and Denny Breau.

Although a few pumpkins sink beneath the weight of their corpulent pilots, no one is injured.

Tame fare, you say, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with Buzz Pinkham reflecting upon how difficult it was to sneak into Damariscotta with a 700-pound pumpkin with an outboard on it in the back of a pickup truck. The show ends, as usual, with the Keystone Cops driving a car off the end of a dock.
The humorous and/or informative commentary that humble delivers between the songs is approximated below:
1. One morning I heard the people on the news talking about a football game that they called the super bowl that had been played the day before. I called my friend Julian and asked him if he watched it and he said he did. When I asked him what happened, I was not surprised to hear him say that he fell asleep. This is good. What else is television for?
2. Here’s a question for the No Things Considered part of this Maine Private Radio program. "Imagine you’re on your way to work and you come across a child drowning in a shallow pond. You’re tall enough that you can run in and rescue him, but if you do so you’ll ruin your new suit. Should you save the child?" It depends on where you are on the corporate ladder or where you want to be on the corporate ladder. Have you ever heard of anyone who got to the top by worrying about the health and welfare of anyone but himself?
3. If I were rich. Ever think of what you’d do if you were rich? Some people would buy everyone a pump so there’d be no water in the cellar. Others would simply plug the leak so there’d be no need of a pump. Here are some hypothetical examples. You can think of many more. A. If I were rich I’d start a hospital for children with head injuries. B. If I were rich I’d give little kids a free bike helmet so there would be no head injuries. 1. If I were rich I’d give everyone gold plated dishes to catch the water that drips on the table on rainy days. 2. If I were rich, I’d patch all the leaky roofs. Yes, we all have a different idea of what we’d do if we were rich. A. If I were rich I’d see that poor kids didn’t go hungry. B. If I were rich I’d have a clinic for free vasectomies and I’d triple the size of Maine Family planning and in a very few years there would be no hungry children. A. If I were rich I’d double the amount of welfare payments. B. If I were rich I’d give everyone a free college education so there would be no need of welfare. Isn’t this an interesting concept? Some people would buy everyone a pump so there’d be no water in the cellar. Others would simply plug the leak so there’d be no need of a pump.
4. My wife Marsha’s youngest child teaches school so I was surprised to hear from her the other day. I asked my wife. “Why isn’t she in school?” She said, “It’s Sunday.”
5. The email I got said, “Our newest DVD: Girls Gone Wild, Wildest Bar in America is a coast to coast search for the craziest clubs loaded with the hottest girls.” Wouldn’t it be fun to travel Fort Myers looking for the Wildest Trailer Park South of Georgia? There are many parks in Florida that would take honorable mention. I have seen 80-year-old women lie by the pool until their wrinkled skin was black and crusted. I have seen retired doctors and bankers, octogenarians all, sneak out an hour before sunrise to illegally water their parched lawns. I have seen a woman go back north in April with one aged husband, only to return in November with a different one --- and he didn’t last out the season. I have seen with my own eyes, four people with a combined age of 368 playing bridge until 9:30 pm. I have seen seniors gone wild.
6. Years ago an airplane was getting ready to leave the airforce base up at Limestone, Maine, and my friend Winky was waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The captain of the airplane was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and there was so much snow and ice around it took a long time for Winky to hook up the hose to pump out the tank. When the captain of the plane said that he was going to see that that Winky was punished for being so slow, Winky said, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Limestone, Maine and I am pumping sewage out of an airplane. What could you do to punish me?" The captain said, “There’s always recess duty.”
7. This morning a friend directed me to a video on illegal immigration. Although illegal immigration has an unpleasant ring to some ears, our only real problem is controlling the world's population growth. If couples limited themselves to no more than one child, within 100 years we’d have a world population like our grandparents enjoyed in 1900 and an amazing number of the world’s present problems would melt away. Everyone knows that American employers need illegal immigrants who will work for low wages and no health benefits. So --- as long as the business community in America can't function without illegal immigrants, they will be permitted to slip in. To be fair, let’s remember that slavery was the enabling cornerstone in all great ancient civilizations. Do we not all benefit by lower prices every time we buy something that is produced by an underpaid illegal immigrant? How can I complain about illegal immigrants when I’m supporting the system with almost every dollar I spend? Remember that besides enjoying the Every Day Low Prices you get with illegal immigration, you can also throw back your shoulders and say, "I buy Made in America."
8. We hear a lot about togetherness. Families should do things together. Yesterday my wife’s oldest kid drove from Maine to Vermont with dog, kid and husband. Can you think of anything that will bond a little family quicker than riding 200 miles on icy roads in a Volvo with a large wet dog? At my age, such outings, although they sound delicious, are beyond me. In other seasons one might bundle up the little family and pass from lip to lip a hot thermos while watching a football game through lightly falling sleet and snow. --- Not my thing. Then there are the eagerly awaited four days in Orlando, where one finds unidentifiable items behind the bed, the smell of chemicals in the corridor, questionable bedding and a shower that doesn’t work. --- Been there done that. So what can an old man, with a glint in his eye, and his beautiful adventurous wife do to continue this essential, never ending bonding process? It might surprise you to hear, that every morning, the first thing my wife and I do when we wake up is take our pills together.
9. Robert in Bath sent me a letter that says: Last week a so-called transient from the Brunswick, Bath area, robbed a Key Bank in Farmington. They showed the video on TV news, of him getting money from a blond bank teller. Today he walked into the Twin Bridges Regional Jail located on the line between Woolwich and Wiscasset and turned himself in. Maybe he was getting cold outside.
10. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, and I were looking at a DVD movie on one of those little computer disks the other night. Marsha is a charter member and fanatical supporter of our local video rental store. And I read on the screen that if you copy the movie on this DVD computer disk the FBI will batter down the doors to your home, you will be fined $250,000 and you will go to jail for five years. A good friend of mine got in a drunken brawl and blew a man away. Bam. He only served three years for killing a man but I would have to serve five if I copied a movie. Years from now, people will think of our era as that transitional period when a man’s life was no longer worth as much as a plastic disk containing a Spiderman movie.
Thank you for considering The humble Farmer. Have fun.

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Total SD Episode Video Runtime (hh:mm:ss): 00:55:56

File Size of SD Episode Video: 2,660,673,540 Bytes

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Friday, March 14, 2014 - 19:26

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