Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2013 0106

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Episode Description:

The humble Farmer show for January 6, 2013

56 minutes. Contains 2.47 minutes of Denny Breau in concert with The humble Farmer in Dover-Foxcroft.

Well received in Northern New England for 34 years, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show that has delighted young and old alike every week since April 6, 1978 for radio --- and now for television.

Music by: Clark Terry, McKinney’s Cotton Pickers, Duke Ellington, Django Reinhardt, Errol Garner, Annette Hanshaw, and Denny Breau.

humble is joined again on camera by his young friend, Sylvia, whose smile is now generating much of humble’s fan mail.

Much of the video over the music is of humble cleaning up his back yard after working on the wall and an unidentified couple taking in his wash. There is a short bit of the 1926 Model T Ford humble gave to a great-grandson of Gramp Wiley, a fourth cousin and one of his good friends from years ago.

All of this is tame fare, indeed, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with seven minutes of Timmy Holmes telling a drawn out story about waiting in line at the auto registration office. Shots from Tim’s front yard right on the ocean. Lot of people might like to see what St. George, Maine, where we live, looks like. Most of the songs and commentary are separated by an outtake consisting of items considered to command attention. The show ends, as usual, with the Keystone Cops driving a car off the end of a dock.
There is a calendar in the background that says September 2013. Watch for it.
The humorous and/or informative commentary that humble delivers between the songs is approximated below.
January 6, 2013
1. While looking up microchip cat flaps I found an advertisement that said, “Keep Your Cat Safe with Savings on Sturdy Outdoor Pet Enclosures!” Outdoor Pet Enclosures. Another person might look at your Outdoor Pet Enclosures and accuse you of confining Mother Nature’s creatures in an inhuman, cruel and unsanitary cage. The only difference between a sturdy outdoor pet enclosure and an inhuman, cruel and unsanitary cage is in the eye of the beholder. I’m extremely grateful for this sociological phenomenon that you and I call the eye of the beholder. Were it not for the inherent differences in the eyes of beholders, several billion men would be trying to arrange my demise so they could marry my beautiful, intelligent wife.
2. Do you think you have a domesticated house pet in your home? Have you ever realized that a house pet is not domesticated until it refuses to eat you when you’re dead?
3. When I told my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, about germ killer in a bottle, she said, "everybody knows it." Then she comes back a few minutes later and says: “You know those three round tubes that roll around on the floor in the back seat?”
“Do you know what they are?”
“One of them is to wash the windows and the other two are hand sanitizers that clean germs off your hands. People use them before touching the handle on a shopping cart. I’ve been telling you about them for years.”
I think it might have been Aristotle who first said, “Show me a person who is always washing his hands and I’ll show you a person who sucks on this thumb and picks his nose.” I’ve seen those slimy things you wipe your hands on while going on long trips in the car and I never believed in them. But now I guess I will start using them, now that I know what they can do for me when I’m not near a sink where I can wash my hands. Is it possible that a man who went to college until he was 34 and then was single until he was 54 could miss out learning about a lot of things that people who could afford to have children take for granted? Not being married like “normal” people might be compared with language learning: if somebody doesn’t teach you how to articulate coherent morphemes until you’re 54 there’s a good chance you’ll never get it and will continue to howl like a wolf whenever you’re hungry.
4. One morning my wife’s youngest grandchild walked through the room while chewing on the handle of a fly swatter. My brother, who saw this and knows more about these things than I do, said that that was the way children immunized themselves against disease. And when you hear this example of what happens to kids who don’t chew on fly swatters, you might agree that he is right. My brother Jim mentioned mother’s cousin Will Williamson, who lived up near the corner of Gleason Street in Thomaston. Cousin Will perished with some childhood disease back in the 1920s. I can remember going into Uncle Dell’s house in the early 1940’s and seeing a cardboard doll of Charlie McCarthy on the wall and I remember being aware that Cousin Will had died before his time. But it wasn’t until that morning that my brother told me what had killed Little Will.
His parents, Uncle Dell and Aunt Eva, were protective. They insisted that he carry a hand sanitizer that kept him from ever catching anything from other children or anyone else. When the day finally came when he did catch something, his body couldn’t handle it. That hand sanitizer had kept Cousin Will so clean and pure that without realizing what they were doing, his parents actually hand-sanitized him to death.
5. How many times have you been working on a project when some lemme show ya boy looked over your shoulder and offered advice? If you are not careful, it is not long before the lemme show ya boy has pushed you aside and has taken the burden of the entire project upon his own shoulders. It is usually about that time that you notice that there is an alarming correlation between a lemme show ya boy’s ineptitude and his eagerness to help you.
6. You read of the Maine man who was shot in the shoulder by an intruder. Because the facts of the case were not fully reported in the newspaper, the reader is left to assume that the intruder overpowered the home owner who was trying to defend the inviolate integrity of his home, took away his gun, and shot him in the shoulder with it.
7. Please listen to this. I read it in the paper. "I have driven close to 1 million miles in all kinds of weather, traffic, urban commutes, rural commutes, various obstacles, blinding sun, and never had a crash." It takes a certain kind of person to be able to write this. I couldn't do it, could you? Would you dare say that you’d never crashed in an automobile? Do you know what would happen to me tomorrow if I said that I’d never been struck by lightning or crashed in a car?
8. We read of a young man who flipped his van while playing with his cell phone. It’s my understanding that cell phones can cost up to $400. Does causing accidents really require that much technology or expense? Back in the good old days when we wanted to flip the pickup --- or just live dangerously --- we’d simply drive to town with an unrestrained dog in the cab.
9. A few years ago a friend gave me a crash course on how to pick up women. At the time he imparted this information I was married, but very quickly realized that many young men would pay to have it. So we sat down by a mike and spent an hour or so reviewing and recording the more salient points of picking up women wherever you might be. Like building a computer or choreographing an elaborate ballet, it is an exact and almost infallible science. When I transcribed the whole business later, I had several pages of 12 point type. But --- by the time my friend came around later to help me polish the document I realized I had a dangerous, powerful tool in my hands. From what you’ve seen on TV you know that bad guys can already cause enough trouble without adding to their bag of tricks, so I’ve abandoned this branch of the social sciences. Because this information might be misused to hurt someone, I don’t feel it would be morally right for me to blab it around. So it was inevitable that my voluntarily suppressed pamphlet on how to pick up women came to mind when I heard that a man was arrested for selling a how-to pedophile book. You might have also heard that the lawman who arrested him keeps a Bible on his desk. And you might ask yourself which of those two books has caused the most death and destruction. Anyway, one day while thinking about my little how-to pick up women pamphlet, I asked a very smart woman if there were any special techniques women use to pick up men. She said, “You look them in the eye and snap your fingers as you point at the floor in front of you. When they walk over, you pat them on the head.”
10. Marsha sends out a yearly newsletter. It is a blatant attempt to boast of grandchildren and the financial successes of everyone even remotely associated with the family. On the bottom of 2012 I posted a picture of 11 baited mousetraps next to a hole inhabited by moles or voles on the sunny south side of out old farm house. As might be expected, we received several treatises back from our academic friends outlining in detail their various adventures as exterminators of little furry animals. Jeremy, a neurologist at one of our leading universities, gets between their ears as it were, and says: “I think I noted … that you had baited some traps with what looked to be cheese. Professional exterminators usually use something sweet that cannot easily be taken from the bait holder. I have used soft cookies that I can smush onto the holder, and also gum drops - both are very effective.” Jeremy should know that the picture was deceiving because I bait with peanut butter. When I’m in an unforgiving mood I tie on a piece of bacon with string. I had never thought of gum drops but sweet, sticky gum drops sound good. If the trap doesn't get them, they’ll perish with diabetes.

Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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Total SD Episode Video Runtime (hh:mm:ss): 00:55:56

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Thursday, January 31, 2013 - 07:18

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