Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2012 1125.mpg

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Episode Description:

The humble Farmer show for November 25, 2012

56 minutes.

Well received in Northern New England for 34 years, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show that has delighted young and old alike every week since April 6, 1978 for radio --- and now for television.

Music by: Clark Terry, Coleman Hawkins, Ray Brown, Stephane Grappelli, Scott Hamilton, and Denny Breau.

This show contains 5.42 minutes of Denny Breau playing at a show with young Justin Lindsay.

humble is joined again on camera by his young friend, Sylvia, whose smile is now generating much of humble’s fan mail.

The video over the music is of humble cutting up some trees in his pasture as cows look on and humble modifying some plumbing in his 200-year-old house.

All of this is tame fare, indeed, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with humble cutting wood. Most of the songs and commentary are separated by an outtake consisting of several different things. The show ends, as usual, with the Keystone Cops driving a car off the end of a dock.
The humorous commentary that humble delivers between the songs is approximated below:
November 25, 2012
1. When my friend Winky was very young, he went to the senior class prom with a girl who was wearing a low, low-cut off the shoulder dress. And after a while curiosity got the best of him and Winky said, “What is keeping that dress on you?” She said, “Only the onions on your breath.”
2. I just heard it on television from a man and a woman who were touted as “experts in the field.” When going out on dates today, the man still pays. You can imagine how this must enrage women whose sisters have fought for equality for generations. I have neither experience nor an opinion on the matter because a 15 year old child probably knows more about dating than I do. When I first became aware of girls, all the kids in the neighborhood, 10 or 15 of us, would walk a well beaten path through the fields and woods down to the shore and go swimming. We’d go at a different time every day because the icy cold salt water was warmest after it had just come in over mudflats heated by the sun. In the winter we went skating on Jerry’s pond out back of father’s house in the middle of the woods. I didn’t date in college. On top of being shy, awkward, and socially inept, every bit of the ten dollars a week I got for playing in a dance band at the Blue Goose went for room rent and food. When I got married at the age of 29, it was to a girl whose father had anchored his yacht in Tenants Harbor. When she and her siblings rowed ashore to absorb local culture, I happened by and gave them all a ride in my funny old Model T truck. And because it was a chance meeting, you can’t really call that a date. Some time later, after she left me to marry a better man, I lived alone in my battered old farmhouse for 20 years. I won’t say I didn’t provide any service to the Maine community during what should have been my most productive adult years, but I wouldn’t consider it dating, unless you think a man can date without leaving the comfort and privacy of his own home. And right after I met my wife Marsha in the cellar of a church in Camden where she was the kingpin in a coterie of widows and divorcees who had taken it upon themselves to provide meals for hungry single men, we spent evenings in my home stuffing envelopes addressed to meeting planners. Yes, I missed out on this dating experience thing, but I realize now that all turned out for the best. You know, it isn’t until a man sees his friend’s grandchildren in jail, that he gives thanks he was once a socially inept, poor boy with bad breath.
3. Imagine how startled you’d be if you just learned that Johnny Cash did not do time in Folsom Prison. Did the fact that I’m probably not the only person who was misled help Johnny Cash sell 90 million records? On the same page on the Internet I also learned that Merle Haggard wrote Okie from Muscogee as a satire. Everybody knows that song, Okie from Muscogee, and it is only now that I realize why I have heard of Merle Haggard. I don’t see how you could not have heard Okie From Muscogee because it was on top of the popularity charts fairly recently --- 1970 or so. I’ll bet you didn’t know that Okie from Muscogee was a satire, either. Listening to songs by Merle Haggard and Johnny Cash, is there really any way to tell?
4. You might have seen those silly little articles in magazines about dogs and their owners. The premise is that people buy pets that not only reflect their personalities but their physical features. We have also heard that people who live together for 20, 40 or 60 years also tend to resemble each other. I don’t know if this is true, because, wouldn’t you agree that an evaluation of the data would be subjective --- as long as we are talking about outward appearance? But could we not prove that, after a few years of marriage, man and wife do seem to approximate each other in their observable habits? I invite you to participate in the following experiment. To confine the experiment within the parameters of solid science, you will be asked to keep a written record of your bathroom habits for a month. I’m thehumblefarmer at gmail dot com and if you are truly in love and 100 percent compatible I would be surprised if your results differ from mine. Every time over the past 20 years that I have moved toward the bathroom, day or night, for any reason, I have had to stand by the door and wait --- because my wife was already in there.
5. Threw shoes on the dump.
6. I was telling a friend about the Common Ground Fair which is held every September in Unity, Maine. For three days there is more IQ on those few acres of ground than you’ll find on any comparable space this side of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Everyone enjoys watching the little dogs that herd the sheep. My friend said, “Ugh. Don’t ever get a border collie.” He said that he was once with a bunch of dog walkers out in the woods and without noticing what had happened the border collies had herded all their owners together. They were all so close they were touching --- shoulder to shoulder and chest to chest. I hope you lonely young people in Portland are listening.
7. When somebody tells you they don’t know nothing about it you know you’re going to hear something good and this is no exception. All I know about this is what I heard, and it seems as some fool got blind drunk and then staggered off, bare butt naked, and tried to start a fire on the floor of a nearby woodshed. Upon hearing this I quickly whipped out the little notebook you’ve seen me carry on my right pant leg. I wrote down the following salient points. Please listen closely. The property owner heard the commotion outside and dialed 911. By this time, the drunk’s friends had found him and put out the fire. Meanwhile the drunk had run off into the woods, still bare butt naked. Later, a fireman reported seeing him out on the main road so the property owner once again called 911, this time to alert the sheriff. And what do you think the dispatcher said when she was told that a naked man was staggering down the road? “Can you give me a description?”
8. It can be statistically proven by a bell curve that people come in three sizes: large, average and small. Because most of the women used in television commercials are no more than skin stretched on very small bones, the American woman has been conditioned to place herself in the large category. You can’t look at a television commercial without realizing that someone is trying to make women dissatisfied with the way they look, smell or feel. This is why even the most sensible woman might be tempted to lose weight --- to diet. Have you ever lived with a person who eats nothing but salad? After a week you beg her to wolf brownies or at least put enough chocolate sauce on her lettuce to make her sociable. A St. George man told me that his wife dieted faithfully for three weeks without losing a pound. She got so cranky that he started avoiding her --- he even fell asleep drinking his nightly hot chocolate in front of the TV and stayed on the couch all night. And night after night, his wife lost weight. It was two or three weeks before a doctor figured out why. The television ads for weight loss had made his wife so sensitive to calories that she’d been gaining half a pound every night just by smelling the hot chocolate on his breath.

Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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File Name of SD Episode: humble 2012 1125.mpg

Total SD Episode Video Runtime (hh:mm:ss): 00:55:56

File Size of SD Episode Video: 2,660,694,020 Bytes

Resolution of SD Episode Video: 720x480

Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Saturday, December 15, 2012 - 22:20

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