Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2012 0513.mpg

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Episode Description:

The humble Farmer show for May 13, 2012

There is a lot of concentrated humor in this show.

Well received in Northern New England for 34 years, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show that has delighted young and old alike every week since April 6, 1978 for radio --- and now for television.

Music by: Clark Terry, Jack Teagarden, Natalie Cole, Mel Torme, Gene Harris, Sidney Bechet, Troy R. Bennett and Dave Rowe.

This show contains 3.52 minutes of Dave Rowe and Troy R. Bennett performing at a fundraiser.

This week humble is joined on camera by his young friend, Sylvia, whose smile might well enable her to soon seize control of the entire show.

The video over the music is mostly footage from humble trying to put a door in his solar heated cellar. All of this happens in the new cellar under humble’s 200-year-old farmhouse in St. George, Maine. Tame fare, indeed, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with humble putting in his cellar door. The show ends, as usual, with the Keystone Cops driving a car off the end of a dock.

Most of the humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of May 6, 2012 was taken from one-minute promo clips made for the Portsmouth, New Hampshire station. Check out those promos which are up on Peg Media under Portsmouth and if you’d like humble to make a dozen or so of them for you, please let him know. They can be any length to the split second and have any kind of content you request. I’m deleting those promos as soon as the Portsmouth people have a chance to download them, so look fast if you’re interested.
1. Did you know it is illegal to place manure on Maine fields between December 1 and March 15? Doesn’t this pretty well explain why, when you drive past a farm around Christmas time, the cows are always wearing such a pained expression?
2. Five o’clock in the morning my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, said, “The cows are mooing.” I got up and looked. One boy cow had made a bid for freedom. The other two were mooing to squeal on him. I put him back in and while I was up I went into my office over the barn and worked for two hours. Marsha was making breakfast when I finally came back into the house, and I whispered in her ear, “Getting me up at 5 this morning saved you from a fate that every woman dreads.” She said, “Your breath?”
3. Your neighbor humble here with a bit of wisdom Zach says he heard me pass along on this program many years ago. --- What’s the shortest sentence in the English language? “I am.” What’s the longest sentence in the English language? “I do.” If saying do once gets you into trouble, can it also suggest what you might be stepping in if you get married twice?
4. humble here, you know how you wonder about things until one day somebody says something that explains it? Years ago I built a room on the back of my house for my wife’s father, my buddy Bill, who lived there until he died. And one morning a guest who stayed in that room said I’d hooked up the plumbing in the bathroom backwards. He said he turned on the hot water and it came out icy cold. And I says to myself, “No wonder the old man screamed every time he took a shower.”
5. When I saw that the six fastest runners in a road race were from Kenya, all I could think was, “Wow, I wonder why Swedes and Italians don’t find out what kind of a training program they have for their runners in Kenya so they’d be able to run fast, too. Imagine what chaos will reign when every country implements the training program they use in Kenya, and 10,000 runners all show up at the finish line at the same time.
6. I read that in a recent year in Columbia, Maine every man, woman and child spent an average of more than $805 on lottery tickets. It came to $229,000 worth of lottery tickets in just one small store. Think how many calories $229,000 would buy in fries, hamburgers, bottles of beer and potato chips. Do you think the citizens of Columbia should get a bronze plaque from the Department of Health for spending more than any town in Maine to combat alcoholism and obesity?
7. My wife Marsha works hard and I thought it would be nice to take her on a little winter trip down to Key West where it is warm. I opened the AAA tour book and read the motel prices: 599, 279, 498. I says to her maybe we can’t go. But then --- I looked further down the list and said, look at this. Here are some motels we can afford: $24, $25, She said, “You are looking at the prices of meals in low class restaurants.”
8. If you live with someone which one of you throws away the ostensibly empty tube of toothpaste? I can always get one more squeeze out of a tube of toothpaste but my wife Marsha always throws away the tube before I’ve even started to get creative. If you worked from 8 until 4 every day mowing lawns and scrubbing floors on your hands and knees, and washing dogs that got sprayed with skunk, wouldn’t you get one more squeeze out of your tube of toothpaste?
9. When I was sitting in the Knox County Courthouse hoping to be selected for jury duty, people were asked to stand if they or a close family member had been involved in an incident involving alcohol. 20 or so stood. The judge asked one man, “Was it you or a family member who was involved in this incident,” and the man said, “It was me and I still think I was innocent.”
10. You probably heard that they quickly caught that armed robber who held up the fried chicken restaurant. Although he escaped with an armload of cash and fried chicken, within an hour he showed up at the emergency room and asked to have his stomach pumped.
11. The dirtiest hotels in the world. That was what the junk email said. Of course I had to Google The dirtiest hotels in the world so I could see where they were. Number one is in San Francisco. Let me read you a sample of the reviews: “First and foremost no one should ever walk into a hotel only to find prostitutes walking around the inside.” Think about this. What reason would they have to complain about a prostitute who was on her feet?
12. This morning, when I came out of the bathroom, my wife Marsha said, “You were in there talking about what you were going to do today. I think you’re going crazy.” This was a surprise to me. I didn’t realize that I talked out loud to myself. But, as the day went on, I realized that when I was alone I talked out loud to myself all the time. Listening to myself for the first time, I was also somewhat shocked to hear myself employing lexical items that I never use with anyone but must have acquired 20 or 30 years ago while listening to the Nixon tapes. So --- because I don’t want people to think I’m crazy, I’m going to have to get a dog. People who talk to animals are considered normal.
Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Thursday, May 17, 2012 - 06:36

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