Show: The humble Farmer

Episode: humble 2012 0318.mpg

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Episode Description:

The humble Farmer show for March 18, 2012

Well received in Northern New England for over 30 years, this is the same old fashioned music and humorous social commentary show that has delighted young and old alike every week since April 6, 1978 for radio --- and now for television.

Music by: Clark Terry, Coleman Hawkins, Stephane Grappelli, and Denny Breau.

This show contains 3.31 minutes of Denny Breau playing guitar at a humor/music show Denny did with humble in Dover-Foxcroft.

This week humble is joined on camera by his young friend, Sylvia, whose smile might well enable her to soon seize control of the entire show.

The video over the music is mostly footage from the flea market at Fort Meade, Florida and the Common Ground Fair at Unity, Maine. There is a short clip of a Maine lobsterman taking lobsters out of a crate for a customer. Tame fare, indeed, for viewers expecting someone to be shot, arrested or blown up.

The show is tightly scripted. It starts out with a parody of an Alfred Hitchcock bird scene and then lobsters on a Maine dock. The show ends, as usual, with the Keystone Cops driving a car off the end of a dock.

Here's the approximate humorous commentary for The humble Farmer show for the week of March 18, 2012.
1. You might have read that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. They say it is because she smells like a new truck.
2. While eating a hot chicken sandwich, I watched Channel 42 long enough to see Jor-El predict the destruction of Krypton. The planet had exploded and Superman was on his way to save earth when I shut it down and moved toward the kitchen with my dishes. In the scenes I saw, council members call Jor-El a fool and a traitor for predicting the collapse of Krypton. But they still looked surprised when the roof fell in on them. This was written way back in 1938 so you’ve had more than a few chances to see Krypton self-destruct in a comic book or on some kind of screen. So now, keeping the warning of Jor-El and the subsequent destruction of Krypton firmly in mind, please return to earth and think about a man who is the leader of a powerful country. He enriches a few of his friends by starting a meaningless war in a far away part of the world. He enriches even more of his friends by removing regulations on financial institutions. By the way, Roosevelt put these regulations on financial institutions over 70 years ago the last time the country went bankrupt to prevent it from going belly up again. As might well be expected, the banks go bankrupt again as do millions of people who foolishly borrowed more than they should have. Unemployment and budget cuts are rampant. Everyone agrees that it would take a skilled manager many years to repair the damage this man and his rapacious friends have done to the entire world economy --- because, yes, the economic damage spreads to other countries. And yet --- less than three years later voters forget what caused the mess in the first place and parade in the streets and put signs on their lawns to bring the same tribe back to power. So. What do you suppose the naysayers on Krypton would do if they were given a second chance and heard Jor-El repeat his warning about the destruction of Krypton? Unless they are a lot different from the people on this planet, they’d call him a fool and a traitor and watch the house fall in on their heads again.
3. Back in the good old days privilege was inherited. The lord of the manor passed on the estate to his eldest son. Which is why so many of the oldest sons were killed in hunting accidents. But since the French Revolution the rich have had to buy privilege. One of my rich friends says it's annoying to have to stop at a 4 way intersection, and thinks it would be nice to be able to buy the right of way. Why, he asks, should a guy in a three piece suit in a BMW have to stop and wait for a rusted out hulk with the bumper dragging on the ground to get across the intersection? Back in the 17th century, you would have simply run right over them with your gilded carriage.
4. You must have seen the advertisement for the product that keeps your cat from tracking cat box bacteria across your kitchen counter. Cat box bacteria is an euphemism for you know what and I don't think this product is going to sell, because those of us who love cats don't care if a little bit of cat do-do gets tracked across the cutting board where we make sandwiches. You can't even see it. Why should we start worrying about cat mess in the food now, after we've been eating it all these years? You must have seen this ad. I still don't know what they're advertising and all I remember is seeing the furry little cat feet tracking you know what onto the table where people eat. I personally resent having some advertiser making slanderous remarks about my kitty. Can you think of a nicer way to spend an evening than sitting before the television, cuddling and petting an animal that just ate two of the neighbor's poisoned rats?
5. From time to time I come across a story that I suspect will make you laugh. Here’s one if you are ready? At a Senate hearing, the managers of a coal mine said that they did not put profits ahead of safety.
6. One of my neighbors came up to me at the annual Blueberry Cove lobster feast fundraiser and told me how good I looked. Do you like to have people tell you how good you look? Is this not another way of saying that you don’t look any worse than you did the last time they saw you? Are they not implying that they are amazed? “Hi Robert. My, but you look good.” Is there any reason I should not look good? You probably know that I am probably in a remarkable state of preservation for a 76-year-old man. I have always had the posture of a cave dweller and even 50 years ago had you dressed me in a wooly mammoth skin, and photographed me slouching along with a club over my shoulder --- you know, and dragging a woman by the hair, you could have sold pictures of the tableau to a museum for display purposes. I am genetically predisposed to slouch. So even when I was 20 I had the posture of a very old man, and I haven’t changed. And when you are not an attractive man when you are 20, you couldn’t get any worse by the time you’re 70, so relatively speaking, your friends probably think you look good. If you are ready to take notes, I will pass along to you the secret for not looking any worse at 70 than you did at 20. #1. I did not smoke, which, as every woman knows, causes wrinkles. #2. I avoid the sun and wear a long sleeved shirt and hat and long pants when I’m out in the sun. Every woman knows that sun on the face causes wrinkles. And finally, the most important anti-aging secret of all --- the reason I do not stagger about with a haggard drooping nether lip and eyes that stare vacantly off into space --- I could never afford to have children. 060811
7. You know that I want to put my farm into conservation so it cannot be broken up into house lots by my heirs. Houses are going in on three sides of my 82 acres on the ocean. Can you imagine what will happen if I succeed in preserving my woods and fields? In 100 years my farm will be just like Central Park in New York City. In 100 years my farm might be the only place in St. George, Maine where you can go to get mugged and ravished.
8. You might remember seeing me put up a staging on one warm summer day so my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, could scrape and paint the house. I do not mention this to boast and brag about what a thoughtful helpmate I am but to enrich your marriage by suggesting to you that a truly creative husband can manifest his love in many unique and wonderful ways.
9. When my friend Winky was very young, he went to the senior class prom with a girl who was wearing a low, low-cut off the shoulder dress. And after a while curiosity got the best of him and Winky said, “What is keeping that dress on you?” She said, “Only the onions on your breath.”
10. My friend Winky has given up his five-mile morning run and is now getting most of his exercise by attending square dances. Winky claims he gets more than three times the workout of an average aerobics class because the caller stutters.
11. I recently had a chance to use my somewhat limited Spanish. The woman making the courtesy call for Discover card had a strong Spanish accent, so when she asked if Marsha was home, I said, "Que lastimme, No esta aqu” She asked, "So she's not home?" I said, "Claro." She said she'd call back later and I said, "Merci."
Robert Karl Skoglund
785 River Road
St. George, ME 04860


Thank you for considering The humble Farmer.

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SD (Standard Definition) File

File Name of SD Episode: humble 2012 0318.mpg

Total SD Episode Video Runtime (hh:mm:ss): 00:55:56

File Size of SD Episode Video: 2,638,435,999 Bytes

Resolution of SD Episode Video: 720x480

Date SD Episode Video Uploaded: Tuesday, March 13, 2012 - 12:37

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